"Now," He said as he paced lightly in front of the boys, "I must educate you in the ways of Kernar magic."
The boys glanced at each other, anxious to begin.
"As with all forms of magic, it requires physical energy in order to use. However, i have some cheats for us." From his pocket, he pulls out two chains nearly identical to his own, and two very small rubies dangled from the chains in their own gold cages. These were much smaller than the one which the boys' father possessed. "Rubies are a source of power for us, boys. Early in our existence, it was discovered that they enhance our magical abilities when worn with gold. The larger the stone, the more energy it will give you. We will start small. Here." He handed the boys their necklaces, and they tried their best not to show their eagerness.
"How does it work, Father?" Feindar asked, admiring his red jewel.
"Well, let me show and tell, now shall i?" Feindar's Father replied. "In order to summon your magic, boys, it will be difficult, as you have never used it before. The rubies will help you this first time, so you may have more than one chance to perform correctly. Without those chains, you would only have enough energy for one attempt. Understood?"
the boys nodded their heads. Dreatox looked into his ruby and noticed that there was a reflection of himself on the shiny surface. He gazed at his grey eyes, soon to be black with the gain of powers, as is with all Kernar Sorcerers. He observed his thick black eyebrows, his straight black hair that hung over his forehead in a jagged, messy fashion. The scar on his cheek from the lash of a whip was still very visible, and he frowned at it, turning away from the amulet and to his Father.
"I want you to imagine the most hated thing in your lives. Something you wish death upon, something that drives your anger and fuels your fire." He looked at his sons; watched them close their eyes and think.
Dreatox closed his eyes and suddenly saw a vision of his Father. He opened his eyes, looking up at him. No... he thought. He closed his eyes again, and the vision returned. He saw his father with the red whip, lashing Dreatox in the morning to wake him, lashing him when he couldn't beat Feindar during training, lashing, the torture, the hate, the hate, the hate, and the pain and the blood, all the blood...Dreatox opened his eyes, panting. He looked down, and saw his palm glowing red. Both Feindar and his father were looking at him.
"Well done, Dreatox."
Feindar just stared in awe, mesmerized by the magic. Dreatox could see the envy in his brother's face. His father's face was hiding the satisfaction, and was still in its stone frown. Dreatox let go, allowed his muscles to calm from their tensed state, and felt a wave of weakness consume him. He watched Feindar try again. His face contorted in concentration, and his fists clenched. He opened one eye to peek at his right hand, but to only see pale flesh. He was panting as well. He tried again, but to no avail. He was becoming frustrated, Dreatox could tell. Feindar tried quite a few more times before he collapsed, out of breath and shaking.
Dreatox wanted to smile, but he knew that doing so would either leave him with more lashes or an attack from the (much weakened) Feindar. He decided against it.
Dreatox spent the rest of the afternoon bringing forth his magic. He practiced periodically as so he did not become too weak.
Feindar could still not create the red glow by nightfall, and was extremely tired by the end of the day, and fell asleep before he could even eat supper.
The next two weeks were practice with magic. Feindar finally was able to summon his after the first week of attempts. In that time, Dreatox was learning how to control his magic, transferring it from one hand to another, suspending it in midair for a short amount of time before he had to let go and it disappeared. Fatigue is what stopped him each day, and at night he would wake up and play with the red glow, make it flicker, grow, and shrink.
Feindar had much difficulty with it all. For once, his weakling of a brother Dreatox could do something that he could not. In order to "help" Feindar, his father would talk him through it. He would recall their history, provoke anger in his son, would remind of Dreatox's success with the magic, and there was no doubt in Dreatox's mind that the hated being in Feindar's mind was him.
I have read all of the chapters so far and I can safely say that you're doing very well. I don't know how much weight my opinion actually holds, but I will tell you what I think.
You've got the most important aspect of any fantasy story down: believability. I can believe in and follow the characters and the plot. I also get a good feel for the emotions flowing from Dreatox. This is important as he is the one we mostly want to focus on. I sympathize with him and enjoy reading about his growth.
I also find the whole idea of hate being the fuel for their magic, and how Dreatox, the obvious soft brother, has the most hate for his father. That's fascinating and it makes the story much more interesting. And the plot...just wow! I love the way you have set this up, as a whole dying race who seek vengeance? It makes for a lot more drama to have just a small family seek vengeance and have a questionable rivalry. Very well done.
Now, there one or two things that I didn't fully understand. In the second chapter, the Father speaks to Dreatox in an encouraging way...however from the other two chapters, we are lead to believe he is trying to instill hatred in his son. Why did he encourage him? Now, I'm not saying you did anything WRONG...but sometimes when a character does something different, reason must be involved.
Another note to make...and this is just the way I write things. In the emotional scenes, you have a good grasp on how to build the emotion. In the action scenes, you have a grasp on how to display the actions. Just never forget that actions are fueled by emotions quite often, and as such it's vital that you combine the two.
Take when Freindar stabs the boar. He was frustrated with his younger brother...build off that! Make the thrust that much more furious and angry because of his frustration...or when the father is demonstrating his power. When he tells them to picture that thing they hate, make his face contort in anger! Make him relish that same hatred he's teaching! By doing that, it emphasizes the emotions and desires of the characters. Even if a person is hiding his smile or his emotions, there is always a shadow of a smile, or a flicker of anger. Always be sure to mix the action with the emotional response.
Now don't take what I said above the wrong way! If anything, I'm very impressed with this story and I certainly want to see what happens next! I'm gonna be keeping my eye on this one! Thank you for showing it to me!
I hope that my advice helped a little.
WOW. I did not expect you go get so involved!! I'm psyched that you like it!
Ohhh ok. I totally see what you mean. I can definitely make it better I'm working on chapter 4, so it should come out soon
again, I'm so thrilled you're enjoying it!!!
Well, you're a friend. And you wanted my honest opinion. I wanted to read it the whole way through and see what the story was about. I for one really enjoyed it.
To be perfectly honest, I didn't see any problems in the story, but I only saw things in it that could be improved upon. I really did enjoy reading it and I am looking forward to the next part coming out.
I also want to say this: A lot of people have asked me what I do to make my writing good...like what's the secret. You seem to already have a pretty good grasp on what my secret is, but here it is:
When I began writing, I made a list of "Rules to Writing" which I follow when I do a story, and the key to a great story is following the first 3 rules:
1.) Believability (you must be able to believe what you're reading)
2.) Powerful Plot (make sure that your story is emphasized. Don't only focus on characters that you like, but rather the world you're putting them in)
3.) Emotional connection (The emotion must be emphasized in your work. Your reader must connect to the character on an emotional level so that they can feel what the character feels.)
I'm not sure if that helps at all, but I figured since you're a good writer yourself, I thought I might offer my methods.
Awesome (as usual I'm looking forward to the next part)
Well, what a shift in power and cill he turn to evilonfidence. I am starting to feel sory for Feindar. Dreatox is becomng so much more powerful and successful with the use of the ruby. Will he tur to evil, though? Is this to be his end? You have inspired so much desire to know..... nicely done! Nice change in focus and in power.
Oh yeah!! Go Dreatox!
I'm glad Dreatox learnt to access his magic before Feindar! can't wait for part 4!