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:iconsagefillyluna: More from SageFillyLuna


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Favourite Writings by L-4-Q

literature by GhirahimsRemlit


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Submitted on
January 6, 2013
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The smile.
Tugging at the corners of your little mouth.
This feeling of joy that you have to let out.
Whoever you are,
never too tall
nor too small.
Wear a smile.
One size fits all.
"One size fits all" was a poetry prompt in last year's creative writing class. I was going through my room today and i found my old poem, so i thought it might brighten your day. :D
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:icongreat-lord-dread:
This is a poem that I wanted to like because it's very cute and positive, a rarity when everything I see is all so mopey and dreary. The words are nice but the flow is all off and it makes it hard to enjoy when you're stopping in places you really shouldn't.

It's a shame because with some minor rearranging I think this could be really good. It made me smile but on a technical level it just kind of falls apart. Here, let me show you something.

The smile.
Tugging at the corners of your little mouth.
This feeling of joy that you have to let out.
Whoever you are,
never too tall
nor too small.
Wear a smile.
One size fits all.

If you try reading it that way it has a more pleasant flow and all I did was make strategic use of the backspace key. Unfortunately the first three lines still read a bit awkwardly. With just a bit of altered word use it becomes even more readable, rhyming better and with superior rhythm. Look at this example with just a few, minor edits.

A smile.
Tugging at the corners of your mouth.
A feeling that you must let out.
Whoever you are,
never too tall
nor too small.
Wear a smile,
one size fits all.

Reading it again I think you'll find it has a more elegant construction now and feels less wordy.

So am I right to assume you were inspired by MLP's "Smile, Smile, Smile," when you wrote this?
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconundertheshaydewood:
UndertheShaydeWood Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2013
! (?) People who criticize should know what they're talking about...
Reply
:iconsagefillyluna:
SageFillyLuna Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2013  Student General Artist
what do you mean?
Reply
:iconundertheshaydewood:
UndertheShaydeWood Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2013
the criticism I read was full of crap!
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:iconsagefillyluna:
SageFillyLuna Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2013  Student General Artist
:shrug:
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:iconwaiting-for-wings:
waiting-for-wings Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
aww that's lovey
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:iconsagefillyluna:
SageFillyLuna Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013  Student General Artist
:D thank you!
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:iconl-4-q:
L-4-Q Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Simple, but yet it says so much. (:
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:iconsagefillyluna:
SageFillyLuna Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013  Student General Artist
thanks!! :hug:
Reply
:iconl-4-q:
L-4-Q Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
But of course~. :hug:
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:iconpreethi524:
preethi524 Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Here's my smile for u --> :D Let's spread a smile where ever we go ;)
Reply
:iconsagefillyluna:
SageFillyLuna Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013  Student General Artist
aw thank you! :D
sounds like a plan. :thumbsup:
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:iconispeakmuzik:
Ispeakmuzik Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Its simply adorable!!!
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:iconsagefillyluna:
SageFillyLuna Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013  Student General Artist
:D thank you!!
Reply
:iconispeakmuzik:
Ispeakmuzik Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
You're very welcome!!
Reply
:iconundertheshaydewood:
UndertheShaydeWood Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013
Thank you! What a most beautiful intriduction to the new year. I want to tell you that your spirit, your creativity, your talent, your wonderful personality have enriched me beyond mere words to thank you. You are the future, a future born of hope and of enthusiasm. I am very glad to have met you, even if only th edeviantart side of you, but that side is very special, very special indeed. Happy New Year SageFillyLuna/ Emily. :) :heart:
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:iconsagefillyluna:
SageFillyLuna Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Student General Artist
aw! you're too kind!!! thats the nicest thing anyone has said to main the past week...thank you so much for the smile, i haven't smiled this week...:hug:
it sounds like you are saying goodbye though...am i wrong?
happy new year to you too :huggle:
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:iconequestriad:
equestriad Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
cute!
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:iconsagefillyluna:
SageFillyLuna Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Student General Artist
hehe, thanks!
Reply
:iconanother-ex-deviant:
another-ex-deviant Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
i didn't get to see your original version before Dread's edit. i like it though :)
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:iconsagefillyluna:
SageFillyLuna Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2013  Student General Artist
it wasn't as good, i promise. the same words, but poor line breaks on my part.
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:iconanother-ex-deviant:
another-ex-deviant Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
well good work anyway, i like the words
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:iconsagefillyluna:
SageFillyLuna Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013  Student General Artist
thank you :hug:
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